Cheese...and not the kind on my ass...

Recently, my family and I made a trip to the Beverly Hill Cheese Store. Yes, traveling 45 minutes to see some cheese seemed a bit much, but my mother insisted. 

From the moment my boyfriend opened the door (yes, I'm one of 'those' girls who refuses to open the door for herself), the overwhelming smell of rich and luscious cheeses infiltrated all of our senses and left me feeling like I just got a Sweetish massage. 

*Note: after our outing, I wrote a letter to Glade asking if they could replicate this smell into one of their 'oil plug-ins' and got no response. Fuckers!  

Anywho. After the initial "bitch-slap" of amazing smells you get when entering the store (and standing there like an Asian person walking into Time Square) the friendly staff offers out samples. Kidding. The staff (mostly older Jewish men) are not the most friendly people in the world...but who gives a shit, they know their cheese, and personally, I prefer a "stand offish" type of person anyway. Overly friendly people shouldn't be trusted. Perfect example, In n Out. Why the hell is their staff so god damn happy to hand out milkshakes and burgers? I truly believe, that if asked they would dish out a blowie just to make their customers happy. This is the single reason I don't frequent their establishment. 

I digress...

The only thing that could trump the smell of this place was the taste of the cheese. We tried everything from Bries to Triple Creme, to Gouda, to soft ripening and Truffle. If I had to ballpark how many cheeses we tried, it would weigh in close to 50...hence why we walked out spending close to $400. 

My Favorites: 

#1: Roquefort Blue Cheese 

Made in France

Semi-hard blue cheese made of sheep's milk and green mold. Perfect balance of tangy and smooth. 

#2: Il Boschetto al Tartufo

Made in Italy

Made with cow and sheep's milk infused with white truffle. Aged 3 months. Excellent on Pizzas, pastas, and a baguette. 

#3: Exporateur Triple Cream 

Made in France

Originally named after the US Satellite, the "Explorer" in the 1950s. It's a soft-ripened cheese made with cow's milk. It just melts in your mouth...or other places. No comment. 

This was a long way to come for a girl who had divorced parents and a single dad who could only make three dishes; grilled cheese, mac n cheese, and quesadillas. My childhood experience with cheese included Kraft Singles and Cheez Whiz. In my opinion, Kraft singles need to be taken off the market.  Even though Cheez Whiz is disgusting, Jim and I still find "exciting" ways to use it! 

Yes, this is a homeless man eating a bottle of Cheez Whiz 

After this adventure, I deemed that "cheese tasting" comes in a close second to "make-up sex." Enjoy! 

3 things to do with Silver Oak

Exhibit "A"

#1: Drink it.

All I have to say is...PUT DOWN THE BOX OF FRANZIA big fella!

 Strike that...this guy might have found the only tolerable way to drink this shit. Touché dear friend! 

When drinking Silver Oak, you must remember two things. 1: It's velvety finish will most likely give you a chubby (that's only if you are of the male sex), and 2: It pairs nicely with most foods, not only beef. 

Like many nice wines it takes some patience to enjoy the Silver Oak. Chugging the shit like the guy in exhibit "A", won't allow you to appreciate it's fine aroma. One of the most amazing qualities about Silver Oak, is that it has this perfect way of leaving a smooth and velvety finish in your mouth without leaving it dry. The licorice and plum notes allow for a balanced feel, and although this is a full bodied wine, it has well integrated tannins. 

#2: Give it! 

Who the F am I kidding? I would never in a million years hand over a bottle of Silver Oak to some shit-head hosting a "bad sweater party". But...I will NEVER pass up an opportunity to look like a snob, and or/ a better guest than everyone else! 

So, here's the plan. The next time you are invited to a party, grab a fancy wine bag from your local market and stick the S.O inside. When arriving at the party, pull the host aside and slide 1/2 the bottle out...just enough to see the label. Quietly whisper "save this for a special time". Undoubtedly, the host will swoon over your overly gracious gift and put it in a spot that is secure.

 Not but 5 minutes after the host walks away, snag that shit up and stuff it in your over sized handbag. Allow the evening to play out as usual, and then bid your adieus and walk out as if nothing was wrong.

 Allow a week to pass, and then shoot a text to your fave host asking "if they dove into the beautiful bottle". Notice I said "text" and not "call". You have to assume that the host would have noticed the missing bottle and might bring this up in conversation. Depending on your "fibbing" skills, will depend if you are a dead give-away in a phone call, so stick to the texting for a more believable response. When admitted that the bottle has gone missing, your response must always be "Are you kidding me? I'm so sorry (insert host's name here). What a bummer. I guess you'll have to come over some time, and we'll enjoy a glass together". This gives a believable answer, and avoids you having to "buy" them another bottle. DISCLAIMER! Do not attempt to do this on the same person twice. Two bottles going missing will surely give off fowl play! Use with discretion. 

(insert Silver Oak label on the giant bottle)  

#3: If all else fails...bathe in it....

Try to ignore the fact that I opted to use a photo with under-age Asian children bathing in wine in what looks like a large outdoor tub. Who knows, Asian people age well, so they might be 65 for all we know. Back to the topic. If the previous two suggestions don't do it for ya, try this one. 

Consuming red wine reduces a person's ability to develop ulcer infections as well as higher stress levels. In fact, people who drink 2 glasses of red wine per day are less likely to develop these things. You know what this means to me? BRING ON THE BOOZE! According to these findings, I'm one healthy bitch! I've also considered injecting the scrumptious substance into my veins, but I'm no medical expert, and I fear this will end ugly. Bathing in red wine make perfect sense. You can avoid the stigma of being a drunk, but you can still absorb all of it's qualities. Plus, if you have a wino for a partner, it might just work as an aphrodisiac.