Faux "healthy" snacks that make us angry

Notice it says "mini bags" 

Who the fuck wants to eat low fat popcorn? How about some yummy rice cakes? While your at it, lets throw in some of those delicious, and not-filling Pop Chips?

These items are what I call "bullshit snackers"...and they make me angry...VERY angry.

I have a bone to pick with the marketing department for the health food industry. You can use all the bright colors and funny tag lines, and hire attractive models to seductively eat this shit all you want, but at the end of the day, these f'n things don't do shit to "curb my appetite".

I don't know who this Asian girl is...but I assure you that we share the same face when eating this faux snack!

How is it that I'm suppose to convince my stomach that a blown up baggie of chips that have no substance to them is going to keep me satisfied until my next meal? One hundred calories, my ass! Pop Chips are a disgrace to the "chip" name. If I'm going to enjoy a delicious bag of chips, then god damn it, they better look/taste/feel like Doritos.

What flavor, you ask? I don't give one shit if they are Cooler Ranch or Nacho Cheese. I refuse to pretend that I'm eating chips when really I'm swallowing air in the shape of a round disk (also known as a Pop Chip).

What you must ask yourself while contemplating your chip choice is "Will I have to wipe my hands on my pants to get the greasy & powdery remnants off them?" If the answer is 'yes', then you've got yourself a winner. My suggestion: Stay away from pretend chips and dive into the real deal. Don't be a fat ass through...ain't no body like a fatty who eats chips all day. It's disgusting.

Popcorn. An American tradition that once required a stove top and some tlc. Thank goodness Orivlle Redenbacher figured out that starving college students needed a more fast/convenient way to enjoy some tasty popcorn, and decided invented the microwave bag. Within 3 minutes or less, you can pop your heart out in the nooker and dive into a buttery and tasty treat.

But just wait a second. Someone...not mentioning names...decided that this perfectly buttery treat can be healthy when you eat it dry...that is, without the butter and other shit.

 I've come to one conclusion about low fat popcorn; The only thing that low fat popcorn does, is makes me wish I was devouring movie theater popcorn smothered in butter. You might wonder who actually purchases those "caramel topping" additives at the theater...that person would be ME. You might also wonder why an individual would upgrade to the large bucket at the movies and still go back for seconds...that person would also be ME.

This is what I have to say to you Mr. Redenbacher: Don't fuck with a good thing. Things were just fine before you made me feel guilty for buying the "extra butter movie" popcorn instead of the shitty fat free kind. Do you really think that your sales improved by making fat free popcorn?

Listen, it's the fatties in this world that spend money on shit-food. Its the fatties that walk down the isle and think "mmm...popcorn". The skinny-minnies of this world don't spend their hard earned dollars on food, they spend it on other things, like wheat-grass and organic shit. So do the rest of us a favor and cut the crap with the low fat items. Thanks.

My Sunday...that ended in terror

Grammy's bday. Always a nice little celebration. I did my usual small gift attached to a flower arrangement from the Romance Store (East 2nd Street location), which ends up being far too expensive, but worth it. 

She chose the infamous Parker's Lighthouse for her Sunday lunch, which was odd; She normally lets my grandfather choose were we dine, and inevitably we end up at some filthy Mexican restaurant called Edwardo's that proudly posts their "C" rating in the window. It's all fun and games until someone  gets the E. coli virus and misses 4 days of work. 

Any who...

Jim and I viewed the lunch menu online (as we usually do before going out) and figured we were in luck, due to the fact that they have a large selection of fresh fish; which fits in nicely with our diet plan. Upon arrival, we were escorted to the back restaurant accompanied with a beautiful view of the ocean, and the patrons freezing their ass off who chose to sit outside on the deck. No doubt, these people were foreigners just wanting a little bit of the "California weather". Had the hostess been good at her job she would have said, "listen bitch, I know your from butt-f*ck Minnesota where it's minus 13 degrees, but it's still only 40 here. Sit inside, and take your god damn touristy pics from the window".  

Moving on. 

We started off with an appetizer and ordered two of the Iced Seafood Towers. This marvelous starter included Lobster Tail, Gulf Shrimp, King Crab, and Oysters accompanied with a dill aoli and your classic cocktail sauce. Not only was the presentation to die for, they semi-opened all the king crab legs, so that you didn't look like an asshole trying to pry open those fuckers. I have a hard enough time acting like a lady in public and handing me a tray full of crab legs doesn't  help my situation. I will use any and all appendages I have to open those things, and as god as my witness, I will NEVER back down from a challenge. 

For my entree, I ordered a dozen of their selected oysters (which the waitress didn't know the name of)... this pissed me off. Not only was she uneducated on her entrees, she was also unaware that people prefer horseradish with their oysters. Come on Lady! 

My mother and I decided that a some bubbly would go nicely with our meals, so we ordered a bottle of the Vilmart Champagne. This accompanied my oysters nicely, and seemed to please everyone at the table.  The best thing about the Vilmart, is that it has a bold and rich flavor and this adds to it's complexity. The Vilmart is a "smart" champagne in my opinion, it isn't' too obnoxious, but adds just enough "oomph" to your meal. It goes nicely with seafood as well as standing as a great breakfast champagne. Yes...I drink champagne for breakfast. Don't judge. 

After our tasty meal was finished we walked around Shoreline Village and "enjoyed" the bullshit-freezing weather that should never be present in Southern California. As my pout-fest started, I realized I was standing next to one of the greatest inventions ever made...THE FUNNEL CAKE HOUSE. 

This tiny hut-like restaurant serves ice cream sundays, churros, and funnel cakes. For whatever reason, Jim decided he wanted a ice cream sandwich when it was nipple-busting cold outside; where I chose to go with a classic funnel cake with gobs of powdered sugar on top. Fuck our diet plan!...this unique and  tasty treat was sure to warm me up and make me happy! 

Which it did. 

Well, for at least 15 minutes...

...and then something happened.

On our way home, Jim and I started to panic. Our stomachs started to churn and rumble like an explosion was about to happen. The thought of me having to fight my 250 pound boyfriend for the ONE toilet we have in the house brought tears to my eyes. I gave up the thought of winning that battle, and just assumed I'd have to shit my pants. Yes, I'm an almost 30 year old woman, and I was ok with doing the "deed" in my lulu lemon tights. Not pleasant, but the thought of my stomach pains subsiding, did bring me some comfort. 

Thank god it didn't have to come to that. 

Even though it was a mere 5 minute car ride, it felt more like eons. By the time we walked in the door, our stomachs relaxed, and we were both able to reside on the sofa. Gasses after gasses were wafting through the house which made us both resent each other. One might assume that it could have been a bonding experience...not me. I just thought, "Jesus, how on earth can I find this man attractive, when he produces smells like this?" 

After the storm settled, we were able to reflect on the day. 

We aren't sure what caused our gaseous pains. Was it the "unknown oysters" or was it the funnel cake? 

I think I've come to the conclusion that eating oysters, champagne, and funnel cake wasn't the best idea.