Faux "healthy" snacks that make us angry

Notice it says "mini bags" 

Who the fuck wants to eat low fat popcorn? How about some yummy rice cakes? While your at it, lets throw in some of those delicious, and not-filling Pop Chips?

These items are what I call "bullshit snackers"...and they make me angry...VERY angry.

I have a bone to pick with the marketing department for the health food industry. You can use all the bright colors and funny tag lines, and hire attractive models to seductively eat this shit all you want, but at the end of the day, these f'n things don't do shit to "curb my appetite".

I don't know who this Asian girl is...but I assure you that we share the same face when eating this faux snack!

How is it that I'm suppose to convince my stomach that a blown up baggie of chips that have no substance to them is going to keep me satisfied until my next meal? One hundred calories, my ass! Pop Chips are a disgrace to the "chip" name. If I'm going to enjoy a delicious bag of chips, then god damn it, they better look/taste/feel like Doritos.

What flavor, you ask? I don't give one shit if they are Cooler Ranch or Nacho Cheese. I refuse to pretend that I'm eating chips when really I'm swallowing air in the shape of a round disk (also known as a Pop Chip).

What you must ask yourself while contemplating your chip choice is "Will I have to wipe my hands on my pants to get the greasy & powdery remnants off them?" If the answer is 'yes', then you've got yourself a winner. My suggestion: Stay away from pretend chips and dive into the real deal. Don't be a fat ass through...ain't no body like a fatty who eats chips all day. It's disgusting.

Popcorn. An American tradition that once required a stove top and some tlc. Thank goodness Orivlle Redenbacher figured out that starving college students needed a more fast/convenient way to enjoy some tasty popcorn, and decided invented the microwave bag. Within 3 minutes or less, you can pop your heart out in the nooker and dive into a buttery and tasty treat.

But just wait a second. Someone...not mentioning names...decided that this perfectly buttery treat can be healthy when you eat it dry...that is, without the butter and other shit.

 I've come to one conclusion about low fat popcorn; The only thing that low fat popcorn does, is makes me wish I was devouring movie theater popcorn smothered in butter. You might wonder who actually purchases those "caramel topping" additives at the theater...that person would be ME. You might also wonder why an individual would upgrade to the large bucket at the movies and still go back for seconds...that person would also be ME.

This is what I have to say to you Mr. Redenbacher: Don't fuck with a good thing. Things were just fine before you made me feel guilty for buying the "extra butter movie" popcorn instead of the shitty fat free kind. Do you really think that your sales improved by making fat free popcorn?

Listen, it's the fatties in this world that spend money on shit-food. Its the fatties that walk down the isle and think "mmm...popcorn". The skinny-minnies of this world don't spend their hard earned dollars on food, they spend it on other things, like wheat-grass and organic shit. So do the rest of us a favor and cut the crap with the low fat items. Thanks.