It's soooo PHÓ-KING good!

Jackets are on, mittens are snug, and women are telling the world "the turkey is done", even through the most heavy of cable-knit sweaters.

It's winter time people!

...which can mean only one thing...

It's also Phó time!

Take off your rings and prepare to swell your ass off (due to the high contents of sodium in this delicious treat). Nothing tastes better than a scolding hot bowl of whatever-the-fuck PHÓ is, during a chilly day. I contemplated researching what made up this brothy soup, but I'm not sure I want to know. I tend to enjoy this delicious meal at places that look like they are harboring Vietnamese fugitives in the basement, and receive low grades on their health inspection reviews. As my grandfathers says "If it doesn't look clean, drink more...the booze will kill the bacteria"; A motto I religiously live by.

First and for most, the best reason to enjoy Phó is the price. You can't beat a meal that leaves you feeling warm, bloated, and swollen for under $8.00. You better believe I ALWAYS offer to pay for dinner when it's Phó night. Even with a 250 pound boyfriend, I can almost always leave the restaurant paying less than $20 for the both of us...plus, it gets me out of paying for the next meal, which I almost always suggest Kelly's or some other fine-dining establishment on my significant other's dime. Classy, I know.

Upsides to eating Phó:
The price.
The taste.
It comes out almost immediately after you order.
It combines a light broth soup with thin slices of meat on top of tasty noodles.
You can add SHIT-LOADS of Sriracha to it.

*Side note: anything that makes my mouth feel as though it's bleeding and possibly inducing a stroke is perfection in my book.

Downside to eating Phó:
You slide into severe depression and or/ a 2 hour coma after consuming it.
You convince yourself you are 3 months pregnant...yes, this applies to men also.
The restaurants are somewhat shady.


Overall, if you are a stuck-up person who isn't willing to rub elbows with non-English speaking patrons, this probably isn't going to be your 'thing'; for everyone else, Phó is a delicious soupy-treat that can be enjoyed at any time!

My recommendations:

#1: PHÓ AMERICA
Yes, this place just recently had a shooting right next to the restaurant, but despite its terrible location, it's extremely clean and has semi-secured parking. You will almost always get a waiter/waitress that doesn't speak a lick of English and you will wonder for the next 10 minutes if they got your order right. I like a little mystery to my dining experience, so I appreciate this!

Phó America (Pacific Ave) 

#2: PHÓ HÔNG PHÁT

Although they just did an "overhaul" on their decor, you will still feel as though you are stepping into an illegal operation that involves animal trafficking. Setting this gut-feeling aside, their Phó is one of the best I've ever had. Downside, they are only open for lunch and closed on Wednesdays. Poo! 

Phó Hông Phát (Anaheim Ave)

#3: NUMBER NINE

As long as you can muster up the courage to deal with mustaches, fixed gears, and lame tattoos, you will love the open and inviting feel of Number Nine. The best thing about this place is that it's close to my house and you won't get mugged when walking to your car. Downside to this place, the broth isn't authentic tasting and overhearing the conversations of "organic" and "Prius'" by it's hippy customers gets really old! 

Number Nine (4th Street) 

Bloody up my Mary damn it!

As a wino/beer lover/cocktail goddess/foodie...I fully appreciate a beverage that combines my love for food with a bit o' alcohol. The Bloody Mary in my opinion is what my friends and I call "a meal in a glass". The thickness and complex flavors of the tomato juice combined with the salty nature of the garnishes allows for a full bodied drink that leaves you full and drunk. What could be better?

My parents (the ultimate winos) are stuck on their fermented grape beverages, and will rarely stray from  the vino. To get my Sicilian mother to put down the wine and try a different category of beverages is like hiding cookies from my boyfriend Jim...its nearly impossible.

The last trip we took to Vegas, not only did I spend my inheritance on gambling and strippers, I also spent my rent money on the wonderful and insanely expensive eateries that only Las Vegas has to offer. Emeril's Table 10, Wolfgang Puck's Cut, and Morels were just a few of the restaurants we fancied while staying at the Venetian.

I digress...

Anywho, my mother the wine stickler, was open to trying a Bloody Mary one morning at Morels French cuisine. Just as I was hoping I hadn't made a bad suggestion, I saw that our beverages were going to cost $22 a piece. SWEET JESUS AND MOTHER OF GOD...these Bloody Mary's better leave me feeling more satisfied than an Asian masseuse! Sure enough, a cart rolls up with an elaborate spread of garnishments, a shaker, giant glasses with an onion, pickle, stuffed olive, and a wedge of celery stacked on it.

Our waitress "Ben" (name changed to protect the innocent) looked as though he had a rough "go" in his earlier years and had the look of a former crack user. I was a bit curious of how "Ben" got a job working in a prestigious french restaurant in one of the nicest hotels on the strip...until I tasted his bloody Mary. Holy hell, this was the best bloody Mary I had ever tasted. The tomatoes were roasted and squeezed earlier that morning to make the juice for the beverage; he then added fresh garlic, horseradish, salt & pepper, baby heirloom tomatoes, and Worcestershire sauce to a shaker and concocted his mixture. By adding the infamous Belvedere Vodka, it sealed the deal in being the best damn bloody Mary I'd ever had. The fact that my mother ordered two more was triumphant.

After this experience I was damn and determined to find a place locally (Long Beach, Ca) that offered the same experience in Bloody Mary drinking. My man-friend and I tried Christy's on Broadway for lunch and ordered their Spicy Jalapeño Bloody Mary. Not only did the dumb-dumb bartender add WAAAYY too much vodka, they over salted the mix with celery salt to the point that it was un-drinkable. Sadly, we walked away feeling ashamed that we tried to replace Morel's amazing Bloody Mary experience. It truly ruined the beverage for me. This leaves me with only one option...we must go back!

Christy's attempt at a Bloody Mary. Although the celery filled with cream cheese was splendid, the drink was less than desirable! 

"Ben" at Morel's making the orgasmic Bloody Mary from his cart of goodies

Cheese...and not the kind on my ass...

Recently, my family and I made a trip to the Beverly Hill Cheese Store. Yes, traveling 45 minutes to see some cheese seemed a bit much, but my mother insisted. 

From the moment my boyfriend opened the door (yes, I'm one of 'those' girls who refuses to open the door for herself), the overwhelming smell of rich and luscious cheeses infiltrated all of our senses and left me feeling like I just got a Sweetish massage. 

*Note: after our outing, I wrote a letter to Glade asking if they could replicate this smell into one of their 'oil plug-ins' and got no response. Fuckers!  

Anywho. After the initial "bitch-slap" of amazing smells you get when entering the store (and standing there like an Asian person walking into Time Square) the friendly staff offers out samples. Kidding. The staff (mostly older Jewish men) are not the most friendly people in the world...but who gives a shit, they know their cheese, and personally, I prefer a "stand offish" type of person anyway. Overly friendly people shouldn't be trusted. Perfect example, In n Out. Why the hell is their staff so god damn happy to hand out milkshakes and burgers? I truly believe, that if asked they would dish out a blowie just to make their customers happy. This is the single reason I don't frequent their establishment. 

I digress...

The only thing that could trump the smell of this place was the taste of the cheese. We tried everything from Bries to Triple Creme, to Gouda, to soft ripening and Truffle. If I had to ballpark how many cheeses we tried, it would weigh in close to 50...hence why we walked out spending close to $400. 

My Favorites: 

#1: Roquefort Blue Cheese 

Made in France

Semi-hard blue cheese made of sheep's milk and green mold. Perfect balance of tangy and smooth. 

#2: Il Boschetto al Tartufo

Made in Italy

Made with cow and sheep's milk infused with white truffle. Aged 3 months. Excellent on Pizzas, pastas, and a baguette. 

#3: Exporateur Triple Cream 

Made in France

Originally named after the US Satellite, the "Explorer" in the 1950s. It's a soft-ripened cheese made with cow's milk. It just melts in your mouth...or other places. No comment. 

This was a long way to come for a girl who had divorced parents and a single dad who could only make three dishes; grilled cheese, mac n cheese, and quesadillas. My childhood experience with cheese included Kraft Singles and Cheez Whiz. In my opinion, Kraft singles need to be taken off the market.  Even though Cheez Whiz is disgusting, Jim and I still find "exciting" ways to use it! 

Yes, this is a homeless man eating a bottle of Cheez Whiz 

After this adventure, I deemed that "cheese tasting" comes in a close second to "make-up sex." Enjoy! 

3 things to do with Silver Oak

Exhibit "A"

#1: Drink it.

All I have to say is...PUT DOWN THE BOX OF FRANZIA big fella!

 Strike that...this guy might have found the only tolerable way to drink this shit. Touché dear friend! 

When drinking Silver Oak, you must remember two things. 1: It's velvety finish will most likely give you a chubby (that's only if you are of the male sex), and 2: It pairs nicely with most foods, not only beef. 

Like many nice wines it takes some patience to enjoy the Silver Oak. Chugging the shit like the guy in exhibit "A", won't allow you to appreciate it's fine aroma. One of the most amazing qualities about Silver Oak, is that it has this perfect way of leaving a smooth and velvety finish in your mouth without leaving it dry. The licorice and plum notes allow for a balanced feel, and although this is a full bodied wine, it has well integrated tannins. 

#2: Give it! 

Who the F am I kidding? I would never in a million years hand over a bottle of Silver Oak to some shit-head hosting a "bad sweater party". But...I will NEVER pass up an opportunity to look like a snob, and or/ a better guest than everyone else! 

So, here's the plan. The next time you are invited to a party, grab a fancy wine bag from your local market and stick the S.O inside. When arriving at the party, pull the host aside and slide 1/2 the bottle out...just enough to see the label. Quietly whisper "save this for a special time". Undoubtedly, the host will swoon over your overly gracious gift and put it in a spot that is secure.

 Not but 5 minutes after the host walks away, snag that shit up and stuff it in your over sized handbag. Allow the evening to play out as usual, and then bid your adieus and walk out as if nothing was wrong.

 Allow a week to pass, and then shoot a text to your fave host asking "if they dove into the beautiful bottle". Notice I said "text" and not "call". You have to assume that the host would have noticed the missing bottle and might bring this up in conversation. Depending on your "fibbing" skills, will depend if you are a dead give-away in a phone call, so stick to the texting for a more believable response. When admitted that the bottle has gone missing, your response must always be "Are you kidding me? I'm so sorry (insert host's name here). What a bummer. I guess you'll have to come over some time, and we'll enjoy a glass together". This gives a believable answer, and avoids you having to "buy" them another bottle. DISCLAIMER! Do not attempt to do this on the same person twice. Two bottles going missing will surely give off fowl play! Use with discretion. 

(insert Silver Oak label on the giant bottle)  

#3: If all else fails...bathe in it....

Try to ignore the fact that I opted to use a photo with under-age Asian children bathing in wine in what looks like a large outdoor tub. Who knows, Asian people age well, so they might be 65 for all we know. Back to the topic. If the previous two suggestions don't do it for ya, try this one. 

Consuming red wine reduces a person's ability to develop ulcer infections as well as higher stress levels. In fact, people who drink 2 glasses of red wine per day are less likely to develop these things. You know what this means to me? BRING ON THE BOOZE! According to these findings, I'm one healthy bitch! I've also considered injecting the scrumptious substance into my veins, but I'm no medical expert, and I fear this will end ugly. Bathing in red wine make perfect sense. You can avoid the stigma of being a drunk, but you can still absorb all of it's qualities. Plus, if you have a wino for a partner, it might just work as an aphrodisiac.