My Day at Powell's; A Phallic Experience!

As a child, we all remember our favorite candies that got our mouth watering and our drove our moms crazy. I spent a little time in Powell's Candy Store (2nd street, Long Beach) to reminisce over my childhood faves. Wait, let's be honest. My mom was one of those "good moms" who didn't let me chow down on shitty candies, and often replaced them with veggies. But, my parents were divorced, and my single father had no problem letting me mow through as many god damn bags of candy as I pleased; hence why I vomited every Halloween that I spent it at his house.

 If I ever get diabetes I'm definitely blaming him.

As my hunt through this glorious store brought me back to my childhood immaturity, I realized that so many of the candies that I used to enjoy, had a strong sexual connotation associated with them. I made a mental note on how these candies affected not only my teen years as well as my early adulthood.

#1: Hershey Kisses:
American Classic? Check!  Loved by all? Check!  Resembles a black nipple?  Definitely check!

Not only does this beloved candy have the word "kiss" in it, it also seems to have a hidden agenda. I truly believe that the makers of this candy wanted to dissolve racial discrimination by making the treat look like a black nipple. Here's where the question lays...did their secretive shaping work?
 Heck yes it did. Who the hell likes the white chocolate kisses? NO ONE!   Even better, the mixed chocolate with the swirls in it are kick-ass!

At the end of the day, I blame Hershey Kisses for making me chase after Travis H****d and pushing him down the schoolyard slide just to get a smooch. There's nothin' like being a little aggressive, huh ladies?

 I also give them props on why I enjoyed the scene from Swordfish were Halle Berry takes her shirt off.
Well done Hershey!

#2: Fun Dip:
Yea, I've heard that one before. What they don't tell you on the back of the package is that "fun dip" takes on a whole new meaning when your 19; and let me tell you, it ain't so fun...and nor is it "dipping", its more like "plunging" or "ramming".
Anywho.
Putting these words into children's minds at a young age are only cementing bad underlying meanings.

Also, fun dip is conveniently made to look like cocaine. Yea, I've never seen red or green cocaine, but who knows what these kids will come up with next?! Not only do they have the powdery substance that resembles narcotics, they give you a white stick to enjoy it with...rolled up dollar bill anyone?  Sinful innuendos are all over this product and I often wonder how it's made it into our homes for so long!

#3: Blow Pops:
Need I say more?

All I have to say is...
Yes ladies, you have got to blow until it pops!

The next time you see a child going to town on a blow pop, just think...it's just training her for many popular years in high school.

Shame on this candy!

#4: Luv Beads Necklace:
Description: Round white candies that are stuck together into a chain that makes a necklace. 

Two problems here.

1: The only round white "necklaces" I'm familiar with are the ones you get after having a rowdy night with an extremely disrespectful man and Wilma Flinstones! Shameful

2: Long strain of beads? Hello?! Does this remind anyone of the funny little gift you get women for their bachelorette party...or something you purchase off a shady Internet site at 2am just because you are bored and curious. Don't judge me.

I'm convinced these "harmless" candies were all set in place by perverts who just wanted all of us to grow up to be coked out of our minds and grinding on a stripper pole.

Kidding.     Well...kind of...

Who else am I to blame for my sexual curiosity, bad decision making, and high blood pressure? I already tried my parents and they declined the invitation.

So, I'm left to blame the candy people. They need to be stopped.