My Day at Powell's; A Phallic Experience!

As a child, we all remember our favorite candies that got our mouth watering and our drove our moms crazy. I spent a little time in Powell's Candy Store (2nd street, Long Beach) to reminisce over my childhood faves. Wait, let's be honest. My mom was one of those "good moms" who didn't let me chow down on shitty candies, and often replaced them with veggies. But, my parents were divorced, and my single father had no problem letting me mow through as many god damn bags of candy as I pleased; hence why I vomited every Halloween that I spent it at his house.

 If I ever get diabetes I'm definitely blaming him.

As my hunt through this glorious store brought me back to my childhood immaturity, I realized that so many of the candies that I used to enjoy, had a strong sexual connotation associated with them. I made a mental note on how these candies affected not only my teen years as well as my early adulthood.

#1: Hershey Kisses:
American Classic? Check!  Loved by all? Check!  Resembles a black nipple?  Definitely check!

Not only does this beloved candy have the word "kiss" in it, it also seems to have a hidden agenda. I truly believe that the makers of this candy wanted to dissolve racial discrimination by making the treat look like a black nipple. Here's where the question lays...did their secretive shaping work?
 Heck yes it did. Who the hell likes the white chocolate kisses? NO ONE!   Even better, the mixed chocolate with the swirls in it are kick-ass!

At the end of the day, I blame Hershey Kisses for making me chase after Travis H****d and pushing him down the schoolyard slide just to get a smooch. There's nothin' like being a little aggressive, huh ladies?

 I also give them props on why I enjoyed the scene from Swordfish were Halle Berry takes her shirt off.
Well done Hershey!

#2: Fun Dip:
Yea, I've heard that one before. What they don't tell you on the back of the package is that "fun dip" takes on a whole new meaning when your 19; and let me tell you, it ain't so fun...and nor is it "dipping", its more like "plunging" or "ramming".
Anywho.
Putting these words into children's minds at a young age are only cementing bad underlying meanings.

Also, fun dip is conveniently made to look like cocaine. Yea, I've never seen red or green cocaine, but who knows what these kids will come up with next?! Not only do they have the powdery substance that resembles narcotics, they give you a white stick to enjoy it with...rolled up dollar bill anyone?  Sinful innuendos are all over this product and I often wonder how it's made it into our homes for so long!

#3: Blow Pops:
Need I say more?

All I have to say is...
Yes ladies, you have got to blow until it pops!

The next time you see a child going to town on a blow pop, just think...it's just training her for many popular years in high school.

Shame on this candy!

#4: Luv Beads Necklace:
Description: Round white candies that are stuck together into a chain that makes a necklace. 

Two problems here.

1: The only round white "necklaces" I'm familiar with are the ones you get after having a rowdy night with an extremely disrespectful man and Wilma Flinstones! Shameful

2: Long strain of beads? Hello?! Does this remind anyone of the funny little gift you get women for their bachelorette party...or something you purchase off a shady Internet site at 2am just because you are bored and curious. Don't judge me.

I'm convinced these "harmless" candies were all set in place by perverts who just wanted all of us to grow up to be coked out of our minds and grinding on a stripper pole.

Kidding.     Well...kind of...

Who else am I to blame for my sexual curiosity, bad decision making, and high blood pressure? I already tried my parents and they declined the invitation.

So, I'm left to blame the candy people. They need to be stopped.

Buffalo wings? You bet your ass I love em'!

What can I say...she's a smart woman!

Everyone knows, that after devouring 16-20 of these mouthwatering treats you feel like George St.Pierre took a gnarly roundhouse kick to your stomach, but god damn it are they tasty... and well worth the "back door trots" that ensue a mere fifteen minutes after you finish. Everyone also knows that you shant even consider eating these spicy puppies unless you are within ten feet of a public restroom; by using the word "public" I am suggesting that you never make the mistake of eating Buffalo wings in the privacy of your own home.

Two reasons.

1: Unless you are a millionaire, you probably don't own a house with 2 bathrooms within arms reach of the sofa; meaning, you and your loved ones will end up duking it out and inevitably one of you will in make a mess in your pants...or on the floor. It's a no-win. I don't care what you say, no one has bowels of steel that can hold back this kind of rumble. No amount of kegel exercises can stop the wrath of wings and beer!

2: Once the "green apple two step" has occurred, undoubtedly you will regret your decision to have ever brought these tasty treats into the home. Even the Home Depot's maximum powered fart fan won't take care of that nasty aroma staining the walls in your bathroom. Trust me.

Buffalo wings, also known as "hot wings" or "chicken wings" are a delectable treat that are deep fried in oil, un-breaded and usually coated in a vinegar based sauce with a kick of cayenne pepper. Any person suffering from irritable bowel syndrome should steer clear of these spicy bastards. Accompanied by beer and ranch, these tasty fuckers are found mostly in bars as an appetizer or more recently in gastro-pubs as a 'trendy' tapas. 

As always, my goal in life is to find the best food, at the best prices, with the best vibes. I hit up my local eateries and tested them not only on the kick of their wings, but their presentation and the service. 

Simzy's ( Belmont Shore, Ca)
A new addition to second street but already well known in Manhattan beach, Simzy's offers a decent selection of beers, sangria, and pizzas...other then that, you're over paying for glorified bar food. They offer what are called "15 minute wings", that in reality take 30 minutes. Tasty? Yes. Memorable? Eff no!
Six wings come in one order, and I don't know about you, but I'm a hefty bitch who happens to like more than six wings. It's offensive if you ask me. 

 
Buffalo Wild Wings  (Marina Pacifica shopping center, Long Beach Ca)
If you are looking to be overwhelmed with tv's, air conditioning, and too many overweight men with jersey's on, then you've found the right place! Naturally, when researching Buffalo wings in my neighborhood I had to visit the one place with the actual item in the name of the restaurant. Out of all the places I tried, Buffalo Wild Wings definitely offered the largest selection in wings. They offer everything from boneless wings, to "Jammin' Jalapeno" flavored wings. The options are endless. The staff was quick,the wings were ok, and the prices were a reason to go back. Honestly, the one thing I didn't love is that you couldn't get a spicy wing that didn't blow your effin mouth up! There seemed to be a great selection of mild wings and a small selection of "rip your face off" wings...but nothing in between?  Their ranch was piss poor and I hated the little cardboard bowls they came in. Overall, I'd visit again, as long as I was wearing my Raiders jersey and rockin' a pot belly. 

Legends (Belmont Shore, Ca)
As a staple in the Belmont Shore community, Legends has always provided a great atmosphere and a great place to enjoy a beer while watching your fave sunday teams. Who knew their food was so god damn tasty? First of all I loved the fact that when you order the wings, they come out within a mere 15 minutes and they are presented to you in a giant bucket. YES! Buckets of wings? I think YES! Their original wing is spicy but still edible and their ranch is thick and creamy. Because the front of the building is open to second street it makes the breeze and people watching a great part of enjoying the tasty wings. 

Final conclusion, Legends kicks ass when it comes to wing-tastic dining. Just remember what I said. Find the nearest bathroom, and don't wait till its too late, or you'll be sorry.

Faux "healthy" snacks that make us angry

Notice it says "mini bags" 

Who the fuck wants to eat low fat popcorn? How about some yummy rice cakes? While your at it, lets throw in some of those delicious, and not-filling Pop Chips?

These items are what I call "bullshit snackers"...and they make me angry...VERY angry.

I have a bone to pick with the marketing department for the health food industry. You can use all the bright colors and funny tag lines, and hire attractive models to seductively eat this shit all you want, but at the end of the day, these f'n things don't do shit to "curb my appetite".

I don't know who this Asian girl is...but I assure you that we share the same face when eating this faux snack!

How is it that I'm suppose to convince my stomach that a blown up baggie of chips that have no substance to them is going to keep me satisfied until my next meal? One hundred calories, my ass! Pop Chips are a disgrace to the "chip" name. If I'm going to enjoy a delicious bag of chips, then god damn it, they better look/taste/feel like Doritos.

What flavor, you ask? I don't give one shit if they are Cooler Ranch or Nacho Cheese. I refuse to pretend that I'm eating chips when really I'm swallowing air in the shape of a round disk (also known as a Pop Chip).

What you must ask yourself while contemplating your chip choice is "Will I have to wipe my hands on my pants to get the greasy & powdery remnants off them?" If the answer is 'yes', then you've got yourself a winner. My suggestion: Stay away from pretend chips and dive into the real deal. Don't be a fat ass through...ain't no body like a fatty who eats chips all day. It's disgusting.

Popcorn. An American tradition that once required a stove top and some tlc. Thank goodness Orivlle Redenbacher figured out that starving college students needed a more fast/convenient way to enjoy some tasty popcorn, and decided invented the microwave bag. Within 3 minutes or less, you can pop your heart out in the nooker and dive into a buttery and tasty treat.

But just wait a second. Someone...not mentioning names...decided that this perfectly buttery treat can be healthy when you eat it dry...that is, without the butter and other shit.

 I've come to one conclusion about low fat popcorn; The only thing that low fat popcorn does, is makes me wish I was devouring movie theater popcorn smothered in butter. You might wonder who actually purchases those "caramel topping" additives at the theater...that person would be ME. You might also wonder why an individual would upgrade to the large bucket at the movies and still go back for seconds...that person would also be ME.

This is what I have to say to you Mr. Redenbacher: Don't fuck with a good thing. Things were just fine before you made me feel guilty for buying the "extra butter movie" popcorn instead of the shitty fat free kind. Do you really think that your sales improved by making fat free popcorn?

Listen, it's the fatties in this world that spend money on shit-food. Its the fatties that walk down the isle and think "mmm...popcorn". The skinny-minnies of this world don't spend their hard earned dollars on food, they spend it on other things, like wheat-grass and organic shit. So do the rest of us a favor and cut the crap with the low fat items. Thanks.

My Sunday...that ended in terror

Grammy's bday. Always a nice little celebration. I did my usual small gift attached to a flower arrangement from the Romance Store (East 2nd Street location), which ends up being far too expensive, but worth it. 

She chose the infamous Parker's Lighthouse for her Sunday lunch, which was odd; She normally lets my grandfather choose were we dine, and inevitably we end up at some filthy Mexican restaurant called Edwardo's that proudly posts their "C" rating in the window. It's all fun and games until someone  gets the E. coli virus and misses 4 days of work. 

Any who...

Jim and I viewed the lunch menu online (as we usually do before going out) and figured we were in luck, due to the fact that they have a large selection of fresh fish; which fits in nicely with our diet plan. Upon arrival, we were escorted to the back restaurant accompanied with a beautiful view of the ocean, and the patrons freezing their ass off who chose to sit outside on the deck. No doubt, these people were foreigners just wanting a little bit of the "California weather". Had the hostess been good at her job she would have said, "listen bitch, I know your from butt-f*ck Minnesota where it's minus 13 degrees, but it's still only 40 here. Sit inside, and take your god damn touristy pics from the window".  

Moving on. 

We started off with an appetizer and ordered two of the Iced Seafood Towers. This marvelous starter included Lobster Tail, Gulf Shrimp, King Crab, and Oysters accompanied with a dill aoli and your classic cocktail sauce. Not only was the presentation to die for, they semi-opened all the king crab legs, so that you didn't look like an asshole trying to pry open those fuckers. I have a hard enough time acting like a lady in public and handing me a tray full of crab legs doesn't  help my situation. I will use any and all appendages I have to open those things, and as god as my witness, I will NEVER back down from a challenge. 

For my entree, I ordered a dozen of their selected oysters (which the waitress didn't know the name of)... this pissed me off. Not only was she uneducated on her entrees, she was also unaware that people prefer horseradish with their oysters. Come on Lady! 

My mother and I decided that a some bubbly would go nicely with our meals, so we ordered a bottle of the Vilmart Champagne. This accompanied my oysters nicely, and seemed to please everyone at the table.  The best thing about the Vilmart, is that it has a bold and rich flavor and this adds to it's complexity. The Vilmart is a "smart" champagne in my opinion, it isn't' too obnoxious, but adds just enough "oomph" to your meal. It goes nicely with seafood as well as standing as a great breakfast champagne. Yes...I drink champagne for breakfast. Don't judge. 

After our tasty meal was finished we walked around Shoreline Village and "enjoyed" the bullshit-freezing weather that should never be present in Southern California. As my pout-fest started, I realized I was standing next to one of the greatest inventions ever made...THE FUNNEL CAKE HOUSE. 

This tiny hut-like restaurant serves ice cream sundays, churros, and funnel cakes. For whatever reason, Jim decided he wanted a ice cream sandwich when it was nipple-busting cold outside; where I chose to go with a classic funnel cake with gobs of powdered sugar on top. Fuck our diet plan!...this unique and  tasty treat was sure to warm me up and make me happy! 

Which it did. 

Well, for at least 15 minutes...

...and then something happened.

On our way home, Jim and I started to panic. Our stomachs started to churn and rumble like an explosion was about to happen. The thought of me having to fight my 250 pound boyfriend for the ONE toilet we have in the house brought tears to my eyes. I gave up the thought of winning that battle, and just assumed I'd have to shit my pants. Yes, I'm an almost 30 year old woman, and I was ok with doing the "deed" in my lulu lemon tights. Not pleasant, but the thought of my stomach pains subsiding, did bring me some comfort. 

Thank god it didn't have to come to that. 

Even though it was a mere 5 minute car ride, it felt more like eons. By the time we walked in the door, our stomachs relaxed, and we were both able to reside on the sofa. Gasses after gasses were wafting through the house which made us both resent each other. One might assume that it could have been a bonding experience...not me. I just thought, "Jesus, how on earth can I find this man attractive, when he produces smells like this?" 

After the storm settled, we were able to reflect on the day. 

We aren't sure what caused our gaseous pains. Was it the "unknown oysters" or was it the funnel cake? 

I think I've come to the conclusion that eating oysters, champagne, and funnel cake wasn't the best idea. 

Put some COFFEE in my bean!

For most Americans, coffee has become a daily staple in their every day routine. Whether it's the smell, taste, or caffeine fix you desire, coffee seems to curb the angry edge that most people get throughout the day. For me, coffee provides that rumbly-bumbly in my tummy that usually evolves into a nice little "drop off"; not always, but I always keep my hopes up.

Coffee Bean, Pete's, Portfolio, 7-11, Roasters, and Starbucks...and more Starbucks...and even more Starbucks are all within 2 blocks of my house. So which one is bound to blow my effin sox off?

We'll see...

Besides the fact that I can't seem to pick my nose without seeing a god damn Starbucks, they are pretty convenient and offer a consistent menu. Until recently, there didn't seem to be any difference in the coffee from Starbucks to Starbucks, but man was I wrong. Just on 2nd street alone, there are 2 Starbucks, and they could't be more different. Alberto at the East 2nd Starbucks delivers fast service. He's well aware that the prima-mommies of Belmont Shore need their fix or they aren't going to graciously toss in their fifteen cents into the tip jar. Where as Alberto is gung-ho on getting his jo out in a timely manner, Christian at the West 2nd Starbucks is all about the chit-chat. I used to think he was hitting on me (it doesn't help that he consistently stares at my breasts), but then I realized he talks to all his patrons in such a friendly way. Because Christian's his easy-going attitude, I do believe that his Carmel Macchiato comes out better then the one from Alberto.

Moving on.

The morning after the bottle...

                                       

                    

  We've all done it.

Started a new diet...created a rigorous workout routine...and then royally fucked it up by drinking a bottle of delicious red wine. 

I consumed 700 calories in just one bottle of wine last night.

I'm overcome with bloating, the runs, and purple teeth. 

With a little bit of Midol, toilet paper, and whitening toothpaste, I can fix these problems...but what am I to do about all those extra calories? 

                                          I'll tell you what I did. 

My mother always told me "Nicole, you can't floss away 6 months of plaque the night before going to the dentist".  I CALL BULLSHIT! Like hell I can! Just like I'm going to burn off all 700 calories of wine I engulfed by rigorously exercising the morning after. 

The Plan: To burn at least 1/2 of the calories I consumed the night before to rid myself of guilt. 

Step #1: Jumping Rope 

First off, it's important to know that I'm a master jump-roper. Its one of my hobbies and I happen to enjoy it (at least until the boob job). Now it's just awkward.   Any who...

Making sure your jump rope is the correct length is key. Most people don't know that a jump rope is supposed to fit right under your armpits when standing on it. 

Creating a routine like, apart/together, side to side, front to back, left/right foot, double jumps, and cross overs, will alleviate boredom and keep you focused. 

I did these maneuvers for a little over 15 minutes. I had to stop a few times to skip some songs on my Pandora station, but for the most part, it was consistent jumping. 

15-20 mins of Jump Rope: Close to 300 calories

Step #2: A mild run

I hate running. I actually despise it. For a person with a moderate case of A.D.D, its mentally painful to jog for long periods at a time. I'd be lying to myself if I denied it's benefits and I ultimately feel much better by doing it. 

I mapped out a mile and forced myself to jog/run the entire thing. 

One mile run:  Around 150 calories (depending on intensity)

Step #3: Abs 

After sweating my f'n ass off, I decided to attack my spare tire. Even though I've convinced myself that I'm not fat, I'm just permanently swollen, it's still nice to 'feel the burn' when doing these moves. I'm not a numbers person, so I do my exercises for time. 

-30 seconds of "v" ups

-30 seconds of tuck ups

-30 seconds of fluttering (up on my elbows)

-30 seconds of hip lifts

-30 seconds of side crunches (left/right)

-30 seconds of "Mike Tyson's" 

*Repeat 3 times

9 minutes of abs:  Who gives a shit how many calories it burned...I got rid of my gas; so therefor it's a priceless exercise in my opinion. 

This is not a workout routine, nor am I giving you my "expert" advice on how to get in shape (lord knows I'm no physical specimen). This is just a simple way to rid yourself of the guilt you earned by drinking yourself into an oblivion the night before. Enjoy!